"Kelly"

Guest writer Megan tells us about her horrific online dating story....enjoy!



Is that a flower in your pants or are you happy to see me?

There were several early warning signs about this date that I should have stopped me from meeting this guy in person but I have to admit his profile said he was a doctor and I have always wanted to have a McDreamy of my own. I was sorely disappointed and learned many lessons on this date.

Lesson #1:  if they are wearing a hat in all of their profile pictures, they are bald, and not in the cute way.

Lesson #2: If you ever get a message from them stating that you need to meet up soon because you are the only one they have contacted in the last month and you essentially owe it to them, DO NOT feel bad and agree. Hit block ASAP.

Lesson#3: If you so badly do not want to meet this guy for coffee that you are considering sending your roommate in your place, cancel the date and hit block.

We shall call him Kelly because his real name is equally as feminine.  The date took place at a local Starbucks. I sat down and opened the conversation with, you have a bit of an accent, where are you from? He then proceeded to (possibly) answer my question in several different languages in rapid succession, I’m sure Kelly was thinking that I would find his language skills a major turn on, I did not! It was at this point that I basically turned into Brittany and decided that I was going to survive this date by really pushing his buttons. After he finally decided to switch back to English and was done testing my knowledge of world geography, we were able to move on to an enthralling story about how he had a very frustrating day trying to apply for one of his medical licenses and having the fax machine fail repeatedly. In an attempt to participate I said, “Gosh, why don’t they join this century and just accept a pdf”. This then launched us into a lengthy discussion about how email is not secure and your identity could so easily be stolen. This was excellent ammunition for me to push every “Big Brother” conspiracy theory button I could think of. You would think that this would make this guy dislike me, but it did not, it seemed to drown him deeper in my love potion.

After this incredibly boring story he turned the conversation to me with the classic “so tell me about yourself” question. I hate that question, where are you supposed to start? I awkwardly started talking about how I am pretty active and participate in many sports. He then interrupted and said, “Do you play tennis?” The answer to that question is no, which he then countered with “I do, I can have someone teach you how to play”.  He is also very passionate about classical music, which I have no interest in, but luckily he will burn me some CD’s so I can learn to appreciate the music when he takes me to concerts.

Surprisingly we are only 15-20 minutes into this date, at which point he asks me “where I see this going”? I skirted this question as if I had learned how from our presidential candidates and tried to move the conversation along. Kelly took this as a sign to reach into his pocket and pull out a wadded Kleenex and hand it to me. He then forced me to unwarp said wadded Kleenex to find the head of a dying white rose. He had picked it from his garden before he came and decided to give it to me if he felt a real connection. He was also very adamant that I smell the poor dying rose that I unrolled out of a nasty possibly used tissue. It was time to shut this date down. With a yawn and the sound of an empty cup I stood up to get the heck out of there.

I said goodbye at the door and then started to walk to the next-door parking lot, which I strategically parked in to avoid the awkward “well, here’s my car” moment. He proceeded to follow me while asking when we could see each other again.  I said I was very busy and would get back to him. He then asked if I was busy going on other dates. I boldly said yes! At this point he blocked entry into my car to ask if I was going to cancel my other dates. As bluntly as I could I said “no, I believe in keeping my options wide open”. He then launched into a longwinded one-sided debate about how I was not giving our RELATIONSHIP a fair chance and I should very much consider closing my online profile. I then told him I would consider it, shoved him out of the way with my door, got in, hit lock and drove several blocks in the wrong direction to make sure I was not being followed.

When I got home I wrote him an email saying I did not feel a connection and we do not have very much in common. He responded telling me I was wrong and reiterated that he could have people teach me to enjoy the things he enjoyed.  I received several text messages for the next few months asking me out on elaborate dates, in which I did not respond to a single one. This date was 7 months ago and I have not heard from him in 6 weeks.

It’s SOOOO not me, it’s you!

Bunny Boy

Upon signing up for online dating I promised two of my friends they could pick out a weekly date for me.  I thought this would be a fun little experiment for their entertainment and mine.  I'm not really sure if this was a good or bad idea, but it sort of turned into "I'm going to show you all the crazies on here and not actually go on dates with them even though you want me to."  I guess you can say that I'm not holding up my end of the bargain, but clearly I don't need any more help going on bad dates (in case you forgot please refer to Three Cats Guy, The LARPer, and The Skinny Dipper).

Enter the person I like to call "Bunny Boy."

Our interactions began with a simple message.  A message whose subject line and body contained the same information, his phone number.  At this point I was simply intrigued by a person who would have the guts to not even introduce himself before throwing his number out there - so I decided to look at his profile.

There was no picture, no extended information about himself other than the fact that he spoke English and what he wrote in "His Summary" section.

His Summary:

"i am nice and i would like to meet someone nice.i
like animals and a rabbit makes me smile.
my
accomplishments have been playing a game of pool with friends and winning the games.i am greatful for meeting someone.the person i hope to attract is nice
. i dont have a social life.i like to laugh at cartoons. i like a good happy relationship.i am most passionate about going out on a good date."

Let's break this down shall we?

"i am nice and i would like to meet someone nice."  Well now, wouldn't we all.  However, it would be "nice" if you used capitalization and proper spacing when you are typing your summary so it doesn't look like a bad sonnet.  Is this a theme for me? The Skinny Dipper was trying to write hiku's and now Bunny Boy is into sonnets?

"i like animals and a rabbit makes me smile." CREEPY!! You are probably like killing animals! Listen here Bunny Boy, I'm pretty sure that a grown man saying he likes animals and rabbits make him smile makes you a serial killer or something! All I can think of now is the Legend of Bunny Man Bridge and I'm beginning to wonder how the Bunny Man made it all the way to California!

(You only need to watch the first 2-3 minutes to hear the story)

"my accomplishments have been playing a game of pool with friends and winning the games." Well, which is it?  Did you play a singular game of pool, or did you win several? And, I'm sorry (I'm not sorry), but I'm looking for a man whose accomplishments are more than just winning a game of pool.  Shocking, I know. ...Though....maybe this means you're good at math....

"i am greatful for meeting someone." Yes, you probably are, as you most likely scare off everyone you meet.

"the person i hope to attract is nice." You've used "nice" before Bunny Boy.  Can we try a new adjective?

"i dont have a social life." Enough said. I'm now thinking he won his game of pool against his imaginary friends. That's some tough competition.

"i like to laugh at cartoons." I'm beginning to wonder about your age as well as your psychological state.

"i like a good happy relationship." Yes, I believe we all do...but I'm becoming curious about what your "good happy relationship" looks like.  Visions of rabbits on pool tables with cartoons playing in the background dance in my head.

"i am most passionate about going out on a good date." Keep dreaming brother. Because at this rate your passion is going to keep burning...for a long, long time.

Being the good friend that I am, I immediately took a screen shot of his profile and sent it to my friends I promised could pick some of my dates.  This was the response:

Matt: Oh god!! Please go on a date with him! I'll even shadow you to make sure he doesn't rufie you and take you to his friendless sex dungeon."
Me: hahahhaha what?! no! ....what do I get in return?!
Matt: I don't know...a memory which will last you forever. (I'd say a free meal, but from this guy's profile I'm not so sure about that)

I have the best friends. Always looking out for me.

Needless to say, after I documented the heartfelt confession of the Bunny Boy, I blocked him from my account and ever seeing and/or contacting me again.

It's not me.....it's SOOOOOOO you.

The Skinny Dipper

First impression are everything.  If you're online dating the first e-mail is your one shot to really impress the potential man/woman of your dreams.  Come on too strong, too weird, too forward, or not strong enough and you won't get a response.  It's a tricky thing, this online dating.

My first week on one particular dating site I received an e-mail from a man I like to call "The Skinny Dipper."  It went like this:

"Your rock clime pic is rad!
I was to climb half dome someday.
If we were on a night time date, walking down the beach, would u go skinny dipping?"

1. WHAT?! Who DOES that?!  Who asks you to go skinny dipping on a FIRST date?!
2. Is this a bad attempt at a haiku?!
3. I want to know if any girl has said yes and actually gone skinny dipping with this idiot.
4. Proof-read your e-mails bro! It's "climbing" not "clime," and "I want to climb" not "I was to climb." 5. This isn't a text message! Is it that difficult to type out the word "you" instead of "u?!" Are "u" in that big of a hurry?
6. Had the Skinny Dipper incorrectly used its, it's, your, you're, there, they're, or their I think I would have lost it.
7. Word to the wise gentlemen: A poorly constructed e-mail is a huge turn-off and I will judge you for it.

Needless to say, I did not respond to the Skinny Dipper's e-mail. I momentarily considered it, just for a good story, but figured I might end up in the bottom of the ocean.

It's not me.....it's so you.

The LARPer

How you know it's going to be a bad date before it begins: your date shows up in a faded blue t-shirt with holes it in.  Strike one.  I should have walked in the other direction, pretended not to be me, lied, anything! But, then again, I wouldn't be here writing it all down for your entertainment.

Welcome to the story of the man I like to call The LARPer.

We made our way to a table overlooking a pond and an old bridge walkway and sat down to order.  Being the gentleman that he was, he went first and ordered an iced tea...at one of San Diego's famed microbreweries.  Now, for those of you that don't know, San Diego is the United State's mecca of microbreweries. For those of you that REALLY don't know me, I LOVE microbrews.  I seek them out, I try all their beer, I pay $50 to go to a crappy food-beer pairing for the chance to taste 4oz of a beer that goes on tap once a year. How you do NOT order a beer at a microbrew is beyond me.

Strike two. And, the conversation has not even begun.

Once we ordered the date began like most others, asking each other about our respective professions. The LARPer was a pastry chef and loved his job.  He even showed me the scars on his arms to prove his dedication.  Maybe he thought the scars would win him some manly points.  As it turns out, he would need those later.

Shortly after covering the occupation topic, we moved onto books.  While I may not be the biggest reader on the planet, I typically have read, know of, or can BS my way through talking about most books.  This was not the case.  The LARPer only read obscure fantasy books.  He loved them so much, in fact, that he spent a solid five minutes telling me all about the weird plots of these books (which sadly I can't remember - I think I blocked it out). He then told me about how he spent 24 hours waiting in line to get the authors autograph.  However, this isn't your ordinary author.  He doesn't just give out his autograph, you have to bring him a gift. Talk about pretentious....or maybe, since the authors books are so crappy, selling the gifts is the only way he survives. Either way, the LARPer was gushing over his amazing gift that represented some subplot of the book he was getting autographed.  I wish now that I had written down the actual gift, but in my head the LARPer hand whittled and vibrantly painted a miniature sculpture of a fire breathing dragon.  That can't be too far off...right? At this point, I considered bringing up Harry Potter, but quickly realized this topic would have kept me there for a least 7 hours as I'm sure he could have dedicated an hour monologue per book.

Strike three. And, our food hadn't even arrived yet.

Naturally, we moved from the topic of books to movies. After asking me what some of my favorite movies were he rudely interrupted me to ask if I owed the movie "So I Married an Axe Murderer." I paused, and hesitantly replied no.  He then breathed a sign of relief and said "Oh good, because that's a deal breaker for me!"  When I asked why he said because he believed that women who owned the movie had problems...and might be psychopaths themselves.  I started to chuckle, thinking that maybe he was joking as this is a fantastic movie. But the LARPer wasn't joking.  He just stared at me and reiterated that he was being serious.  At this point it was all I could do to not laugh and say, "Dude, this DATE is a deal breaker for me!"

Strike four. And, our food just arrived. Dear God, will this date ever end?!

Over my pipping hot Mac N Cheese the LARPer started talking about his love of Renaissance Faires. He loved Renaissance Faires so much that he had traveled all over the United States to attend the weekend event.  He then made a point to inform me that he would be attending the faire in Texas the following weekend, so he wouldn't be around if I wanted to meet up.  ...Clearly this date was going SO well that we should be making plans for next weekend already....come on man!  I don't know if any of you have ever been to a Renaissance Faire before, but, there is certainly no need to travel across state lines for these bad boys. And I love a good road trip!  He later told me about how he went to Bali to learn how to throw fire and how he frequently attends fire-throwing conferences all over the U.S..  At this point I realized I have a real life, fire throwing, Renaissance man on my hands. And I'm terrified.

Strike five and six. And, we're almost done with lunch...thank God!

I was eating as fast as possible and trying to catch the server's eye to send a damsel in distress signal when out of nowhere the LARPer asked me if I played sports and/or liked any sports.  I told him I've played soccer my entire life and football is by far my favorite sport to watch on TV.  I thought, that by some miracle, we may have something in common with this topic. A girl that loves football? I'm an anomaly! Men should be lining up around the corner (that I am NOT standing on) to date a girl like me! Nope. I was wrong.  The LARPer stopped me mid sentence to begin his rant on what he calls "The American Sport Trifecta."

What is "The American Sport Trifecta" you ask? Oh, it's baseball, football, and basketball.  These three sports, according to the LARPer, are the reason that our country is in such bad shape.  These sports do not promote working as a team, but only highlight individuals which has a trickle-down effect on our society, and is creating a group of young people that don't know how to function properly.  I'm pretty sure, that for the first time ever, I could not control my facial expressions.  My jaw was on the ground. I briefly considered if I should even attempt to debate this guy, but decieded it wasn't worth it.  He stopped in the middle of his rant to ask if I wanted dessert, to which I replied no thanks as I had to go home and get ready for work (a lie - all my stuff was in the back of my car).

Strike....oh who cares, this date is HORRIBLE. Check, Please!

As we waited for the check, I asked "Sooo, if you don't like baseball, football, OR basketball, what sports DO you like?" He quickly retorted with tennis and curling. Tennis because it's one person relying on themselves and their own skill, and curling because it's the best team sport ever to be created.  Need I say more?

Finally, the check arrived and the date was over.  I thanked him for lunch and went on my way.  I assumed (and hoped) I would never see or hear from this guy again. But, he texted me a few days later asking me on ANOTHER date.  To this day I would love to know what part of that date he found enjoyable....but then again, some people really do like talking about themselves. I quickly replied with some sort of thanks, but no thanks, we just aren't a good match, good luck, text.  To which he replied saying something to the effect of "you're a great woman and are going to make some guy really happy one day.  Thanks for spending an afternoon with me." Way to make a woman feel bad for turning you down...but not that bad as I didn't respond.

Now, you may be wondering why I call this man the LARPer.  A LARPer is a "Live Action Role-Player."  Want to know what they do in their free time?  This pretty much sums it up...

It's not me....it's SOOOOO you.

Three Cats Guy

Most of you know that I thrive in awkward situations.  If I'm bored or the conversation has come to a halt, I'll ask questions purely for my entertainment.  I've found that this "gift" has come in handy on my dates.

Enter the man I like to call "Three Cats Guy."

Three Cats Guy is a pilot from Alabama.  I should have known I was in trouble when he said he went to Auburn but had only attended one football game because he doesn't like football.  What man goes to Auburn and DOESN'T like football?!  What do you do in the fall when everyone else is having fun tailgating? Sit at home and play flight simulation games? Who knows....I probably should have called the date off right then and there, but I didn't.

Since we clearly were not going to talk about how much fun we both had going to football games in college, how exciting it was to rush the field after winning big games, or how we painted up for games just because we were young and wanted to get on ESPN, I changed the subject.

Three Cats proceeded to tell me that he was from a small town in Alabama and his life's goal is to one day build a house in the middle of the country and raise a family there. Ummmm, really? You're telling me this on a FIRST date? Are you trying your hardest to scare me off?  Because it's working.  He then told me that he currently owns a condo and lives there with his three cats. That's right.  I said it. THREE cats. Three! I already find it weird when a single guy owns one cat, so three is just absurd.

At this point I ordered another beer.  I figured that since the date was already horrendously bad I may as well enjoy the free food and drink and ask as many questions as possible. I asked him the names of his cats, I asked him what kind of cats they were (even though I don't know a thing about breeds of cats), I asked him how he came to own three cats.  The one thing I regret not asking him was what he was going to dress his cats up as for Halloween and how the self-made cat calendar was coming.

In my rapid-fire line of questioning I came to find out that Three Cats Guy is afraid of open water.  Oceans? Doesn't do them. Lakes? Forget it.  Going paddle boarding, wake-boarding or anything fun out on the water?  Out of the question.  The only boat he's ever been on is the one that takes you over to Alcatraz. I guess it's fitting he owns cats, they hate the water too.

After what seemed like an eternity the date finally ended.  I didn't have the heart to tell him that I never wanted to see him again right then and there, so when he asked if we could hang out again I said sure and thanked him for dinner.  Two days later I received a text saying "Hello from Texas!" with a picture he took of himself creepily smiling at me standing in front of his helicopter. Deeming this text a little too much after only one date I responded with "Hey, I'm sorry I don't think this is going to work out.  I had a great time the other night, but I don't think we're a good match.  Good luck in your search, fly safe."

It's not me...it's you.

Welcome to the Dating Diaries

Call me a hopeless romantic, but I believe true love does exist.  Unfortunately, for those of us in the restaurant industry it's a little bit harder to find since we are working when the rest of you are out meeting people.  For whatever reason (my entertainment, your entertainment, my desire to actually settle down and commit to something), I've decided to embark upon an online dating adventure until I find "the one."  Or, at least a decent man to date.  I have to be honest, when I started online dating I assumed I would have some bad dates, but not to this extent.  So here it is, the chronicles or my dating catastrophes, my dating dairies.

Without further ado, may I present to you the men of my horrible dates (all names have been changed to protect the innocent)...enjoy!