Guest writer Megan tells us about her horrific online dating story....enjoy!
Is that a flower in your pants or are you happy to see me?
There were several early warning signs about this date that I should have stopped me from meeting this guy in person but I have to admit his profile said he was a doctor and I have always wanted to have a McDreamy of my own. I was sorely disappointed and learned many lessons on this date.
Lesson #1: if they are wearing a hat in all of their profile pictures, they are bald, and not in the cute way.
Lesson #2: If you ever get a message from them stating that you need to meet up soon because you are the only one they have contacted in the last month and you essentially owe it to them, DO NOT feel bad and agree. Hit block ASAP.
Lesson#3: If you so badly do not want to meet this guy for coffee that you are considering sending your roommate in your place, cancel the date and hit block.
We shall call him Kelly because his real name is equally as feminine. The date took place at a local Starbucks. I sat down and opened the conversation with, you have a bit of an accent, where are you from? He then proceeded to (possibly) answer my question in several different languages in rapid succession, I’m sure Kelly was thinking that I would find his language skills a major turn on, I did not! It was at this point that I basically turned into Brittany and decided that I was going to survive this date by really pushing his buttons. After he finally decided to switch back to English and was done testing my knowledge of world geography, we were able to move on to an enthralling story about how he had a very frustrating day trying to apply for one of his medical licenses and having the fax machine fail repeatedly. In an attempt to participate I said, “Gosh, why don’t they join this century and just accept a pdf”. This then launched us into a lengthy discussion about how email is not secure and your identity could so easily be stolen. This was excellent ammunition for me to push every “Big Brother” conspiracy theory button I could think of. You would think that this would make this guy dislike me, but it did not, it seemed to drown him deeper in my love potion.
After this incredibly boring story he turned the conversation to me with the classic “so tell me about yourself” question. I hate that question, where are you supposed to start? I awkwardly started talking about how I am pretty active and participate in many sports. He then interrupted and said, “Do you play tennis?” The answer to that question is no, which he then countered with “I do, I can have someone teach you how to play”. He is also very passionate about classical music, which I have no interest in, but luckily he will burn me some CD’s so I can learn to appreciate the music when he takes me to concerts.
Surprisingly we are only 15-20 minutes into this date, at which point he asks me “where I see this going”? I skirted this question as if I had learned how from our presidential candidates and tried to move the conversation along. Kelly took this as a sign to reach into his pocket and pull out a wadded Kleenex and hand it to me. He then forced me to unwarp said wadded Kleenex to find the head of a dying white rose. He had picked it from his garden before he came and decided to give it to me if he felt a real connection. He was also very adamant that I smell the poor dying rose that I unrolled out of a nasty possibly used tissue. It was time to shut this date down. With a yawn and the sound of an empty cup I stood up to get the heck out of there.
I said goodbye at the door and then started to walk to the next-door parking lot, which I strategically parked in to avoid the awkward “well, here’s my car” moment. He proceeded to follow me while asking when we could see each other again. I said I was very busy and would get back to him. He then asked if I was busy going on other dates. I boldly said yes! At this point he blocked entry into my car to ask if I was going to cancel my other dates. As bluntly as I could I said “no, I believe in keeping my options wide open”. He then launched into a longwinded one-sided debate about how I was not giving our RELATIONSHIP a fair chance and I should very much consider closing my online profile. I then told him I would consider it, shoved him out of the way with my door, got in, hit lock and drove several blocks in the wrong direction to make sure I was not being followed.
When I got home I wrote him an email saying I did not feel a connection and we do not have very much in common. He responded telling me I was wrong and reiterated that he could have people teach me to enjoy the things he enjoyed. I received several text messages for the next few months asking me out on elaborate dates, in which I did not respond to a single one. This date was 7 months ago and I have not heard from him in 6 weeks.
It’s SOOOO not me, it’s you!
