Three Cats Guy

Most of you know that I thrive in awkward situations.  If I'm bored or the conversation has come to a halt, I'll ask questions purely for my entertainment.  I've found that this "gift" has come in handy on my dates.

Enter the man I like to call "Three Cats Guy."

Three Cats Guy is a pilot from Alabama.  I should have known I was in trouble when he said he went to Auburn but had only attended one football game because he doesn't like football.  What man goes to Auburn and DOESN'T like football?!  What do you do in the fall when everyone else is having fun tailgating? Sit at home and play flight simulation games? Who knows....I probably should have called the date off right then and there, but I didn't.

Since we clearly were not going to talk about how much fun we both had going to football games in college, how exciting it was to rush the field after winning big games, or how we painted up for games just because we were young and wanted to get on ESPN, I changed the subject.

Three Cats proceeded to tell me that he was from a small town in Alabama and his life's goal is to one day build a house in the middle of the country and raise a family there. Ummmm, really? You're telling me this on a FIRST date? Are you trying your hardest to scare me off?  Because it's working.  He then told me that he currently owns a condo and lives there with his three cats. That's right.  I said it. THREE cats. Three! I already find it weird when a single guy owns one cat, so three is just absurd.

At this point I ordered another beer.  I figured that since the date was already horrendously bad I may as well enjoy the free food and drink and ask as many questions as possible. I asked him the names of his cats, I asked him what kind of cats they were (even though I don't know a thing about breeds of cats), I asked him how he came to own three cats.  The one thing I regret not asking him was what he was going to dress his cats up as for Halloween and how the self-made cat calendar was coming.

In my rapid-fire line of questioning I came to find out that Three Cats Guy is afraid of open water.  Oceans? Doesn't do them. Lakes? Forget it.  Going paddle boarding, wake-boarding or anything fun out on the water?  Out of the question.  The only boat he's ever been on is the one that takes you over to Alcatraz. I guess it's fitting he owns cats, they hate the water too.

After what seemed like an eternity the date finally ended.  I didn't have the heart to tell him that I never wanted to see him again right then and there, so when he asked if we could hang out again I said sure and thanked him for dinner.  Two days later I received a text saying "Hello from Texas!" with a picture he took of himself creepily smiling at me standing in front of his helicopter. Deeming this text a little too much after only one date I responded with "Hey, I'm sorry I don't think this is going to work out.  I had a great time the other night, but I don't think we're a good match.  Good luck in your search, fly safe."

It's not me...it's you.