The LARPer

How you know it's going to be a bad date before it begins: your date shows up in a faded blue t-shirt with holes it in.  Strike one.  I should have walked in the other direction, pretended not to be me, lied, anything! But, then again, I wouldn't be here writing it all down for your entertainment.

Welcome to the story of the man I like to call The LARPer.

We made our way to a table overlooking a pond and an old bridge walkway and sat down to order.  Being the gentleman that he was, he went first and ordered an iced tea...at one of San Diego's famed microbreweries.  Now, for those of you that don't know, San Diego is the United State's mecca of microbreweries. For those of you that REALLY don't know me, I LOVE microbrews.  I seek them out, I try all their beer, I pay $50 to go to a crappy food-beer pairing for the chance to taste 4oz of a beer that goes on tap once a year. How you do NOT order a beer at a microbrew is beyond me.

Strike two. And, the conversation has not even begun.

Once we ordered the date began like most others, asking each other about our respective professions. The LARPer was a pastry chef and loved his job.  He even showed me the scars on his arms to prove his dedication.  Maybe he thought the scars would win him some manly points.  As it turns out, he would need those later.

Shortly after covering the occupation topic, we moved onto books.  While I may not be the biggest reader on the planet, I typically have read, know of, or can BS my way through talking about most books.  This was not the case.  The LARPer only read obscure fantasy books.  He loved them so much, in fact, that he spent a solid five minutes telling me all about the weird plots of these books (which sadly I can't remember - I think I blocked it out). He then told me about how he spent 24 hours waiting in line to get the authors autograph.  However, this isn't your ordinary author.  He doesn't just give out his autograph, you have to bring him a gift. Talk about pretentious....or maybe, since the authors books are so crappy, selling the gifts is the only way he survives. Either way, the LARPer was gushing over his amazing gift that represented some subplot of the book he was getting autographed.  I wish now that I had written down the actual gift, but in my head the LARPer hand whittled and vibrantly painted a miniature sculpture of a fire breathing dragon.  That can't be too far off...right? At this point, I considered bringing up Harry Potter, but quickly realized this topic would have kept me there for a least 7 hours as I'm sure he could have dedicated an hour monologue per book.

Strike three. And, our food hadn't even arrived yet.

Naturally, we moved from the topic of books to movies. After asking me what some of my favorite movies were he rudely interrupted me to ask if I owed the movie "So I Married an Axe Murderer." I paused, and hesitantly replied no.  He then breathed a sign of relief and said "Oh good, because that's a deal breaker for me!"  When I asked why he said because he believed that women who owned the movie had problems...and might be psychopaths themselves.  I started to chuckle, thinking that maybe he was joking as this is a fantastic movie. But the LARPer wasn't joking.  He just stared at me and reiterated that he was being serious.  At this point it was all I could do to not laugh and say, "Dude, this DATE is a deal breaker for me!"

Strike four. And, our food just arrived. Dear God, will this date ever end?!

Over my pipping hot Mac N Cheese the LARPer started talking about his love of Renaissance Faires. He loved Renaissance Faires so much that he had traveled all over the United States to attend the weekend event.  He then made a point to inform me that he would be attending the faire in Texas the following weekend, so he wouldn't be around if I wanted to meet up.  ...Clearly this date was going SO well that we should be making plans for next weekend already....come on man!  I don't know if any of you have ever been to a Renaissance Faire before, but, there is certainly no need to travel across state lines for these bad boys. And I love a good road trip!  He later told me about how he went to Bali to learn how to throw fire and how he frequently attends fire-throwing conferences all over the U.S..  At this point I realized I have a real life, fire throwing, Renaissance man on my hands. And I'm terrified.

Strike five and six. And, we're almost done with lunch...thank God!

I was eating as fast as possible and trying to catch the server's eye to send a damsel in distress signal when out of nowhere the LARPer asked me if I played sports and/or liked any sports.  I told him I've played soccer my entire life and football is by far my favorite sport to watch on TV.  I thought, that by some miracle, we may have something in common with this topic. A girl that loves football? I'm an anomaly! Men should be lining up around the corner (that I am NOT standing on) to date a girl like me! Nope. I was wrong.  The LARPer stopped me mid sentence to begin his rant on what he calls "The American Sport Trifecta."

What is "The American Sport Trifecta" you ask? Oh, it's baseball, football, and basketball.  These three sports, according to the LARPer, are the reason that our country is in such bad shape.  These sports do not promote working as a team, but only highlight individuals which has a trickle-down effect on our society, and is creating a group of young people that don't know how to function properly.  I'm pretty sure, that for the first time ever, I could not control my facial expressions.  My jaw was on the ground. I briefly considered if I should even attempt to debate this guy, but decieded it wasn't worth it.  He stopped in the middle of his rant to ask if I wanted dessert, to which I replied no thanks as I had to go home and get ready for work (a lie - all my stuff was in the back of my car).

Strike....oh who cares, this date is HORRIBLE. Check, Please!

As we waited for the check, I asked "Sooo, if you don't like baseball, football, OR basketball, what sports DO you like?" He quickly retorted with tennis and curling. Tennis because it's one person relying on themselves and their own skill, and curling because it's the best team sport ever to be created.  Need I say more?

Finally, the check arrived and the date was over.  I thanked him for lunch and went on my way.  I assumed (and hoped) I would never see or hear from this guy again. But, he texted me a few days later asking me on ANOTHER date.  To this day I would love to know what part of that date he found enjoyable....but then again, some people really do like talking about themselves. I quickly replied with some sort of thanks, but no thanks, we just aren't a good match, good luck, text.  To which he replied saying something to the effect of "you're a great woman and are going to make some guy really happy one day.  Thanks for spending an afternoon with me." Way to make a woman feel bad for turning you down...but not that bad as I didn't respond.

Now, you may be wondering why I call this man the LARPer.  A LARPer is a "Live Action Role-Player."  Want to know what they do in their free time?  This pretty much sums it up...

It's not me....it's SOOOOO you.